2013

January:

January feels forever ago. i turned 20. i saw bits and pieces of my family again and it was a lot of revisiting of emotions. Les Miserables came out and i don't think i have ever loved a movie this much. this is where it started to become bad with my workplace and i learnt how to ask for prayer. and the bearded man came  from the most unexpected angle. 

February:

things crept into my head this month. the cold never stops early. 

 March:

i haven't revisited these months. we started planning for a trip in summer and moving into a house together. i went to a boundaries connect course.  i started asking questions.  i stopped praying. march was a month of people, that's best i can explain it. 

April:

this was when our group was still a family. and when things crumbled at the corners. i told someone what he has been doing to me. i cried a lot. i got my braces this month.

May:

i started biking again, one of the most non competitive things i  can do that makes me feel good. things became busy, festivals and late nights. it was a good month, i think. i felt hopeful and a change of season crept in.  

June:

the first half of june was a lot of excitement. it really started to feel like summer in the city and there was a lot of changes coming up. it was a clueless kind of month.

June: California

California has been the best thing that happened this year. i had a love and hate relationship with it, but i know that it was my own fault. i had always been someone who could never decide to stay at one place longer or to move on and have another adventure.
learn how to forgive 

July

July was a lot of heartbreak. plans didn't follow through and i started feeling people slip through my fingers because i couldn't even hold myself anymore. he got fired this month and work got a lot better. the nightmares stopped. my bike got stolen.

August:

August i considered a distraction. i did things to be gone and  away, even if i didn't feel comfortable. it was a hard month. 2nd 3rd 4th. i could not get it out of my head. i learnt to look to more than what is in front of me and still stumbled over myself. and on a late sunday night i got pushed into a reality that made nothing feel real anymore. i lost a lot this month. 

September:

September felt like a roller coaster. it was my friends wedding. my parents were back and were again not able to stay. i spend as much time as i could with them. so many memories were brought back up and it hit like an icicle that both my familys weren't able to be. 

October:

October was when i realized my facade that i had built. i started going to counselling October 7th.  it was a pretty month. i stopped biking. 

November:

November is when people that i had considered family moved away. it hasn't been the same since and even though they are still close, it created a lot of hurt feelings. i started being gone late nights and my depression was more than ever. work became a burden everyday and i felt more alone than before. i realized that expressing how you feel is good, but doesn't change how other people act.  

December:

December has been hope. i quit my job on december 10th. it was one of the best decisions. i am really starting to now learn how to make changes in my mental health. i read a lot and have time to get this year out of me and to start being a different person. i am not part of anyone, or a group. i am just myself and don't live for anyone or in anyone's competition. i would like to move to Vancouver this year.

i don't really have any resolutions for next year. more so i would call them steps and goals. steps towards my mental health. goals to move. to change. to grow in God's relationship. i have learnt a lot from counselling. i am still going to this date and one day i want to tell someone all about it. i don't know what i will be doing a week from now. maybe i get my visa and get a full time job, maybe 2 or3 part time jobs. or i get denied and go back to germany, try something else. or maybe i can go to vancouver in a month from now. maybe in a year. go to school. i don't know what is going to happen. but i am learning that

 i am okay.